A few months ago some of my friends and I were chatting on our way to a rare girls night out when the subject of Mumma guilt popped up. One of my friends said she was not at all prepared for how bad it can be at times and we all agreed.
From not always getting the work / life balance right, questioning whether we spend enough time reading or playing with our children, not breastfeeding for long enough, feeling bad about being exhausted and skipping a few pages of the bedtime story, giving our kids chicken nuggets for dinner, answering calls and emails while our children want our attention, going back to work…. the list went on and on.
The funny thing is I consider both of my friends excellent mums, and it made me realise we spend so much time thinking about what we don’t quite manage to get right – rather than giving ourselves credit for what we do get right!
I almost always feel guilty for wanting to do anything for myself – because I’m a stay at home mum I often feel that I haven’t ‘earnt’ time to myself and I shouldn’t be spending time on things like my blog, because that’s not what pays the bills.
I imagine some working mums might feel guilty about going back to work and leaving their children in child care, but I totally get that many woman are passionate about their careers, while for others financial responsibilities means that they have to go back to work.
As women and mothers we now have more choices than ever, which can be both a blessing and a curse as there’s SO much pressure to ‘have it all’. To breastfeed and work, still churn out fabulous home cooked gourmet meals, have a home that looks like it belongs in the pages of a magazine and still be smiling and fabulous and fun.
Often we can feel guilty because of other people’s judgment.
‘How long did you breastfeed for?’
‘When are you going back to work?’
‘Don’t you get bored being a stay at home mum?’
These are all questions that people have asked me (as well as some other beauties including ‘How’s your weight going?’ when Ava was only two days old!) and have made me feel judged and guilty all at once.
At the end of the day, we all need to cut ourselves and each other some slack. We’re all doing the best we can every day in the situation we’re in.
Later this week, I’m heading off on a three day trip with some girlfriends. It wasn’t an easy decision to leave my family and head away, in fact I turned down the opportunity a couple of times before one of my best friends reminded me how short life is after the recent and very tragic loss of a friend to cancer, so with my hubby’s blessing – I decided to say yes to a mini break.
I have been hit pretty hard with Mumma guilt since then, especially when people make comments like ‘Well, it’s alright for some!’.
Gosh – can’t you just say something like, ‘Have fun, enjoy yourself!’ without making me feel worse than I already do!
When did we lose the ability to be happy for other people?
While my Mumma guilt is at an all time high, I’m determined to make the most of my mini break, enjoy some ‘me time’ and come home to my beautiful hubby and girls relaxed and refreshed.
I’ll even have a cocktail for you.
A x x x x
What do you feel guilty about as a mum?
Have you ever had a mini break away from your family?
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You go Amy and have a fabulous time. and maybe have two cocktails! I still feel guilty now and my daughter is 16 so it doesn’t get any better, i have a friends birthday breakfast on Saturday and my daughter plays netball each Saturday which i go and watch and love doing but because i’m not going this week she thinks its the end of the world. My husband and I try to have a short break on our own each year now my son and daughter are old enough to be left home alone and i feel great after those few days, even though i miss them like crazy and costs me a small fortune in presents for them!
Thanks Karen, I’m sure there will be a day when it cost me a small fortune in presents too! x x
Ahhhh…Mummy Guilt. What a great topic! Seems to be something we live with constantly, as Mummies, even before our baby/babies are born! It’s with us then, ever after. Funny, we never hear about “Daddy Guilt!”
I was fortunate enough to take a week’s break with my best friend to Melbourne to celebrate our 40th birthdays. My twins were only 1yr 6mths old at the time. My girlfriend’s four sons were 4, 6, 9 & 14yo & she had NEVER been away from them on her own. It took us a few days to actually start to relax & enjoy our “girl time” without constantly worrying &/or phoning to check if our littlies were OK! And the comments from fellow-Mums varied from cheering us along, to the, “It’s all right for some!”
I agree – let’s cheer each other along instead of putting each other down or comparing each other’s babies’ milestones etc.. Motherhood is a tough enough gig without the added pressure we often put on ourselves & each other. MUMS UNITE!!
I love it!! MUNS UNITE!! I really feel like we should support and champion each others choices, rather than being so judgmental. Thanks so much for stopping by Vicki! x x
P.S. Amy, thoroughly enjoy your break. You deserve it! And especially those cocktails! Have one (or 2!) for me. Have fun! Vxx
The number thing on my list is definitely the breastfeeding situation. During my pregnancy I was so hellbent on breastfeeding for as long as possible. I couldn’t do it for even half as long as I wanted to. My daughter is almost 9 months and about 2 months ago I had a little breakdown and cried because I felt like I had failed not only myself but my daughter. It’s taken me so long to not feel guilty.
The pressure to breastfeed is IMMENSE! You are told by everyone that ‘breast is best’ and when you can’t/don’t breastfeed, you feel like shit!
I haven’t had any vacation sans baby, but I’ve had one or two date nights with my partner.
I noticed a couple of negative comments on a couple of recent pics you posted on your facebook page which angered me no end that I had to use all my self control not to send my own comments to those individuals. Then looked back on some of your beautiful, truthful, honest, open and inspirational posts and realised that if I did make comment then I would be no better than them.
I want you to remember that you are SO deserving of having a mini vacation with some of your friends and this is nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. You are an inspirational mum and if every child had a positive role model such as yourself as their parent they would be truly blessed and the world would be a better place.
Enjoy your time in Bali and I for one cant wait to read your beautiful blog about the wonderful time you are going to have. Most importantly remember it is those who love you most that only want you to be happy as being happy is the best way to continue to be the most beautiful wife, loving mother and dear friend to those you care about the most.
Have an absolute blast because you deserve it. x x x
Oh Mummy guilt… If we didn’t out so much pressure on ourselves to be Stepford Wives, we wouldn’t feel the guilt of taking a day or three off!
We deserve it! We work hard too, even though it may not pay the bills, I’m proud that I have raised three wonderful girls who are polite with excellent manners, who do well in school, enjoy their dancing and netball.. Don’t get me wrong, hubby is a big help, but being a mum and working is a juggling act.
High five mums. Whatever you do, you’re the best mum your children will ever have!
Amy have a relaxing trip! We want to see pictures of toes in the sand, cocktails at sunset, and laughter with friends.
Oh my goodness Amy!! I can relate so much to this amazing blog entry!! I am a stay at home Mum with three boys, who constantly feels guilty and like I could be doing more!! Like you I too am taking the plunge this year and going on my own holiday- it was a huge decision and although I am so excited to be going, I am dreading it so much as well…. Lol 🙂 I hope u have a lovely break, and come back with that “I’m so glad I did it” feeling 🙂 love Samxxx
Hi Amy,
Haha what a topic every mother can relate too! Firstly enjoy your break, being a mum is hard work full stop! Your kids are healthy, happy and loved, that doesn’t happen without the dedication of family, and mums do a lot of that. So a mini break is not only well deserved, but you were Amy before you were a mum, so there’s nothing wrong with doing something for Amy once in a while.
I’m currently a single mum, not by choice! Running a small business from home….my choice to work from home is to be with my kids as much as I can, but without a secure paid income, I work harder than I ever had. To try be the best mum I can, I work long nights to be around in kid time. That causes tiredness, loss of patience and resentment of the lack of sleep I get. I juggle everyday, the kids are too young to understand, and often other people including their dad take them for fun times, times I can’t afford or don’t have tkme to do….so yes mothers guilt!!! Your dammed if you do, your dammed if you don’t!
Xxx
I feel guilty for feeling guilty! Far out… I have a 5 and almost 2 year old, I’m torn between staying at home and having a super tight budget or going back to work for 2 – 3 days a week to lighten the financial load a little… I feel sick at the thought of leaving my 2 year old with someone else. I feel guilty for telling my kids off, or getting frustrated for asking the 5yo to get dressed 50 times in a row, I had a cry the other day because I felt like I had disappointed my 5 yo for not taking him to the play centre or bowling like i promised, as we were all so so sick. I feel ashamed and guilty for still having moments of post natal depression – i mean come on… my youngest is almost 2! Hell I feel guilty for even admitting this to anyone outside of my own head! Terrible I know…
Go Amy, have your time away for a few day, enjoy it, every second of it, have a wonderful time (have a cocktail for me) ! x
The pressure put on mums by family, friends and sadly the media is ridiculous. I didn’t breastfeed because no matter how hard I tried I didn’t not produce enough milk and I was looked down upon by midwives and child health nurses for my decision as they felt I should have kept trying. Leaving our bubs is the hardest thing because unknowingly people make comments that pull your strings be it about missing a milestone or aren’t you scared of them not settling without you there or implying somehow your a bad mum because you should wait till they are all grown up and out of home to have a life, how dare you try to have any sort of fun before that time. Happy Mummy = Happy Babies in my opinion. For my first 2 kids I rarely left them for more than a few hours, we never did date nights unless it was a birthday or special occasion and we never left them overnight. I was miserable, so when I had my 3rd bub 13weeks ago I made a vow to do things differently and boy how life has changed for the better, I go out with the school mums be it for pilates or yoga or simply just a coffee, my hubby and I go out for dinner dates pretty much every weekend, we still haven’t don’t the sleepover but there is a noticeable change in the vibe of our house. So all I can say Amy is HAVE FUN, your kids will be better for it because they will have a recharged happy mummy. xoxo
I believe everyone has the right to choices, and they are exactly that – your own choice. I have 2 girls and never felt the inclination to breast feed. I therefore don’t offer opinions on BF because it wasn’t the option for me. I never offer opinions on daycare – it wasn’t the choice for us, and I have been at home with my girls because it was what we wanted. I don’t feel superior to anyone else, I just know that they were my choices.
My hubby and I are lucky to have one outing alone every 6mnths, maybe even a year! And I get a bit irked when someone comments about that, especially if its from family members. I tell my girls a little break makes mummy a better mummy, happier mummy and more relaxed mummy.
I am now at the point where I would love to go back to teaching maybe 2 days a week, starting next year. My eldest will be full time in PP but my youngest still at home – I am already guilt ridden about not being there all the time for her, like I was for my eldest. But financially it would help, and I think my brainpower and passion for teaching is raring to go again. Can I find the perfect work-life balance? Mummy guilt. I think it will work out ok, but it would work out more ok if everyone around us is supportive and positive, and if they do have negative opinions, then just keep them to themselves!
Celebrate mums! We have the hardest, most rewarding, most draining job in the world!
Gosh Mummy guilt, it’s the worst feeling!! We analyse and scrutinise everything we don’t do or think we could of done better and it never ends. I’m a full time mum to 3 kids, 12,10 & 6 while my hubby works away. I feel guilt everyday that I’m home with my kids while most my friends are working full time and I feel guilt they miss so much, I feel guilt that I don’t make any money, that I have 6 hours a day freehand my house may not always be perfect. Tonight when my kids should of had a delicious meal full of veggies ready for the first day back if term, I was feeling unwell and I bought them fish & chips. While the kids were happy to have it, the guilt of doing that still doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t think the guilt of being a mum and trying to do it all will ever change, I talk to my mum in her 60’s & things her adult children doing wrong even effects her now, she says what did I do wrong, what didn’t I give them. I think the guilt will always be there but we need to try more to live in the moment, be the best we can be but realise that we can’t always get it right and that’s ok as long as we try our best we need to hold our heads high. Don’t feel guilty for time out Amy, look at it like a chance to refresh your batteries, you will feel better for it and I’m sure a less stressed mum/wife will be good for everyone. I think time out with hubby or friends keeps a good balance, you’ll feel good after some time out & I think time away makes you appreciate even more how much you love your family. Enjoy!!
Go and have a fabulous time. Anyone who makes ridiculous comments like that are either jealous or have never had children!!! A Mothers Guilt is the worst but that will probs never go away so you may as well enjoy yourself. I gent guilty
Sorry …. Hit send too early.
That was meant to say I felt guilty last week for being away from my two munchkins for 2 nights whilst I had surgery! WTF? Seriously!
Like I say I think we will always have Mothers Guilt but we have to just ride through it! Have a fabulous break!
Mumma Guilt is alive and well! My partner is FIFO and I have a two year old daughter! There are days when I have heard “mummy” in excess of 300 times, packed away the same toys 20 times and put my daughter back into bed over 10 times all on my own. However when he gets home from two weeks of work I feel guilty to even go and get a pedicure for an hour because I think he deserves the break more than I do.
My partner is amazing and will give me that time but it’s the internal guilt which is brought on by worrying what other people will think. I have had people tell me I need to stop spending my partners money – because in their eyes I don’t work therefor I do no earn money. You get angry at them for saying it and even though you know it’s not true the next time you go to buy something there is that guilt hanging over you. I have people tell me not to be a bully when I put my daughter in the naughty corner for throwing food in anger. Again you get angry but then you feel guilt next time you go to discipline.
No matter what you do there is always that guilt hanging around with parenting. Work vs stay at home no matter what you choose there is guilt for each side.
Such a great post Amy – I know you are going to have so much fun in Bali! I went 6 weeks ago with 2 girlfriends and left hubby at home with our 7yo, 4yo & 18mo old. That is the 3rd time ever I have been away on my own. Hubby has at least 2 boys weekends away every year – which I think is fantastic. Quick maths is that over 8 years of parenting he has about 19 boys weekends away – I have had 3 weekends away with girlfriends! My husband is very supportive, but what I have found interesting is that everyone says ‘hubby deserves that time away’ whereas their comments about my weekends away are ‘wow how lucky are you to get some time away!’ Why is that?!!! It’s that Mummy guilt coming from everywhere! Have a blast and what a good time to be going to Bali with all this rain in Perth! xx
Good post Amy. I think we all feel the same and I wish women would support each other more rather than bring each other down. You deserve that break, enjoy it! My husband and I have a 3 day trip to Sydney planned in November for a good friend’s wedding, we lived there for 5 years and I am really looking forward to having some time with him. But the guilt! We haven’t had a break on our own since having kids and our two sons are 5 and 2. Already my mind is buzzing with arrangements for school and childcare and activities for the kids. My husband and I also work fulltime and I study at uni part time as well. So guilt is a feeling I am well accustomed to. And I have copped it and continue to cop it on a weekly basis. But as a family of four, we are happy and that is all that matters! Life is indeed very short, and I am all about making memories with my family and friends. x
Oh god! I feel guilty just booking in a pregnancy massage.. 36 weeks pregnant with my 3rd baby and still think I’m being selfish xxx
Hi Amy
I am the mum of a 21,19 and 14 year old children and I fight guilt on a daily basis. Why on earth do we put pressure on ourselves to have to be the “perfect mum”? I am coming to realise that to our kids actually think we already are perfect mums and if we love care and guide them in the right direction then we are doing a pretty good job! I myself have had many girly weekends in Bali and trust me when I say the guilt wears off after the first day and you can spend time with your gorgeous friends just being you even if it’s for a couple of days. That break rechargers your batteries and you can go home ready to face any onslaught life brings.
I have recently suffered a horrendous few months of depression brought on by several factors and am quickly coming to the realisation life is way to short for regret or judgement. Go away and have a fabulous holiday. Your girls are safe and in very good hands! Have a cocktail or 3 and enjoy your break….. Love to all the mummies xxx
Enjoy, have fun, and try not to feel too guilty! You work so hard being an amazing friend, mama and wife, you need to refuel the tank of your own energy for a few days to come back refreshed! Whilst I may not know you in “real life”, your honesty, genuine good hearted ness and love for your family shines brightly through everything you write, thank you for being courageous enough to share the good and the bad. And definitely have a cocktail for me!! Xxx
Amy, I just love that you wrote about this topic. I think it’s so important for mothers to let go of guilt! We’re all doing the best we can, the best way we know how. Too often we mums forget to look after ourselves and address our own needs and desires, when in actual fact, the MORE we nourish our mind, body and spirit, the more we have to give to our precious babes. Every year, Chris and I book individual trips away to explore a new part of the world, either on our own or with some of our closest friends, and it’s so freeing and liberating. Who said once you become a parent you can never travel on your own, ever again?! Good on you for going on a mini-break with your girlfriends – HAVE FUN! ENJOY YOURSELF! YOU DESERVE IT! And you know what? Not only will you benefit, but your gorgeous family will too. Happy travels my love xo
PS. Last year I travelled on my own to the UK and Spain for my 30th birthday. I was consumed by guilt in the lead up to my departure, until I realised doing something for me isn’t selfish. It’s smart! I wrote a blog post about it you might enjoy:
http://ladytam-tam.com/mums-doing-something-for-you-isnt-selfish-its-smart/
xx
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